Well hello boys and girls, and alternative family units! (you had to be there, really).  Here is my detailed review of Julian's spectacular pantomime debut, for those of you who didn't get the chance to see it.

It reads rather like a script for one of Julian's live shows, but it was very cleverly done, and most of the rude stuff went straight over the children's heads.  I haven't included all his jokes ("There really is a joke in every line, it's just a question of winkling it out!")  but the show did go on for over two hours, so I can't include everything. There was, of course, plenty to keep the children amused, i.e. songs pinched from S Club 7 and plenty of "Oh yes she did, Oh no she didn't!"  

So grab yourself a cup of lapsang souchong and a cream horn and enjoy!

I was quite surprised (and a little dubious) when Julian announced he was doing panto this year.  It was something he had always made a joke of in the past.  Explain yourself, Clary!!!

"I'd been asked before, and had always dismissed it as the sort of naff old nonsense that you do when your career is on the slide, but this time I was subjected to a lot of persuasion and Brighton was suggested, which has more appeal than somewhere hideous in the Midlands!   I was offered this many pounds a week, and... well, it's proving to be a great medium for me.  You simply can't overdress!"

So anyway, there I was, in my tiara, in camp old Brighton - ooh it was cold!  I got into the spirit of things straight away and bought myself a programme and a flashing Cinderella (flashing lights that is - remember this is a family show!).  I settled down in my front row seat, - which was to be my home for the next five and a half weeks, (well I had to go more than once didn't I?  somebody had to do the extensive research for this web review).  Not many girls can say they've had Julian twice a week!  and I got an early bookers bonus!!

At 7.30pm the lights went low, and the music started, welcoming us to the theatre.  The opening prologue was pretty, featuring the Fairy Godmother and her young trainee fairies who listened intently while Joanne told them the story of Cinderella....

The first scene featured Cinder's in the Village Square singing and dancing with her friends, as you do.  She then rushed off to meet her father, the Baron Hardup of Hardup Hall.  He had met a new lady friend, who just happened to have two daughters - enter stage right - the Ugly Sisters (who rode in on micro scooters).  'Cinnamon' and 'Nutmeg'.  Cinnamon  ("We're the Spice Girls!")  was fab!  That man was born to wear diamante trimmed fake eyelashes if ever anyone was!  

Next on stage was the only other 'big name' in the show, (well I'd never heard of him before but I believe he's very popular with the under 5's),  Buttons, played by Dave Benson Phillips.  As well as being madly in love with Cinderella, he was a sort of compere for the show, keeping everyone amused during scene changes, throwing chocolate buttons to the kids, and generally making sure everyone was having a jolly good time, which we were.  'Hi ya Buttons!'

Well Julian's grand entrance was imminent, and my wait had been quite painless.  The Lord Chamberlain arrived, "Clear the streets, clear the streets, peasants, Royalty is approaching"  which immediately made everyone think of Julian, and was the cause of much murmuring and nervous shuffling from adults who had brought their innocent offspring.

Poor Prince Charming didn't stand a chance as he wandered on stage like a little lamb. (ahh he was quite cute actually, a real sweetie). He asked the Lord Chamberlain  "Where is my new equerry Dandini? - he was right behind me!"

Oh I can still hear the music in my head, shame you can't, and with a puff of dry ice, Julian arrives in a splendid gold chariot, being pulled by what can only be described as two 'Muscle Mary's'  (heh, heh they'll love me for saying that, serves them right for mucking about when they thought no-one was looking). 

Julian's first words were  "I like to get pulled everywhere I go!"  He looked absolutely splendid, in a dazzling pink outfit.

Prince Charming:  "Aren't you a bit overdressed for a???"                      

Dandini:  "For a what?? -  for an aide de camp???"       

Julian was in fine form and managed to slip in lots of his own  popular material,  the audience unwittingly became scruffy villagers, enabling Julian to pick on us at will.  That man has the ability to spot a piece of corduroy clothing at fifty paces.

He came up with the idea of swapping places with the prince, in order for the prince to be allowed out of the palace to meet some ordinary girls.   The two of them then returned to the royal hunting lodge to discuss the idea over a delicious snowball.  
Dandini:  "Maybe you'll let me have your cherry".

He then serenaded the prince with an hilarious rendition of 'That's Amore'  accompanied by four female dancers.  There were lots of feathery fans being swished about.  "I am asthmatic  you know!"

Yet another costume change, (each one even more magnificent than the last  -  "but I'm worth it" ), and Dandini (who was now convincingly disguised as the prince) went out in the woods with Prince Charming.   -  Camping.   "Did you find the gypsies camp?"  - "yes some of them". 

They met the ugly sisters, who pestered 'the prince' for an invitation to have tea & crumpet at the royal palace.  After a little persuasion he invited them to the ball.  The real prince whispered "but we aren't having any balls"  Dandini replied "I'll hold as many balls as I choose!"

The real prince was feeling sad that he still hadn't met any suitable girls, and that he didn't feel much like a hero.  "Sounds like a cue for a song".  and with a big swish of his purple cape, Julian disappeared into a thick white fog, emerging to sing 'Search for the hero', accompanied by a comedy gospel choir.  It was one of the best and most uplifting scenes in the whole pantomime.  

The prince was then left on his own in the woods and he finally met Cinderella, who scurried away as soon as Dandini returned, having been back to the royal hunting lodge.  "Well I gets to the royal hunting lodge, but there was nobody there, just a lonely old vol-au-vent, so I tried talking to him, but he wasn't responding.  So I ate him".

The prince was most upset when he realised the girl of his dreams had just run off, so Dandini suggested he invite her to the palace ball.   The prince ordered Dandini to send out  invitations to every household in the kingdom.                           

Dandini:  "Every household  in the kingdom??  I'll be off now then
shall I ? ,  to 'every household in the kingdom!'  Is it all right if I make a packed lunch?  and I'm not going near that council estate!"

Dandini arrived outside 'Hardup Hall' with his little post trolley, ("I like a royal mail"),   "Now I wonder how many invitations will be required by this stony broke family.  It's just a question of locating the Baron's dusty old slot!"

At which point Buttons arrived on the scene, and mistook Dandini for Dale Winton.  "I can't be Dale Winton - there's no autocue!   I am in fact Dandini, the princes 'right hand' man!"

Julian opened for the second half (!), wearing a really beautiful costume and wig, festooned with little pink roses. ("Yes, I've gone for a more masculine look")

He sang yet another song, 'Be Our Guest' in the opening scene at the palace ball.  Cinderella arrived to meet the real prince, and Buttons was caught sneaking about by the Lord Chamberlain.  He was ordered to leave, but said he was there to make sure Cinderella left when the fairy said.  "What Fairy said??"  asked Dandini, to much laughter and applause from the audience.  After a bit of a scuffle, trying to evict Buttons from the ball ("It's that corduroy you're wearing, we simply cannot allow it in the palace!")  the fairy godmother arrived just in time and cast a spell that caused everyone except Buttons to fall into a trance. 

He then did a slow comical mince out of the ballroom and up the stairs, carefully holding the crystal slipper out in front of him.  He looked so funny, and the audience laughter almost drowned out the poor prince, who had burst into a Britney Spears song! 'Sometimes'.    On the last night of the pantomime, the cast were winding each other up, adding new bits to the script to catch each other out, and during 'Sometimes'  Julian kept appearing back and forth across the top of the stairs, doing his comedy walk! 

After a quick costume change into a little black number, Dandini was off announcing that "Whoever fits this crystal slipper shall marry the prince".   "Ahh, how about these three young slappers at the bus stop?"

The next few minutes involved various young girls trying it on!  while a gorilla escaped from the local zoo, enabling the audience to shout 'He's behind you!' to Dandini.

Dandini and Prince Charming eventually arrived at Hardup Hall, where the two ugly sisters were keen to try on the slipper, after having locked poor Cinderella in a secret cupboard set in the wall.  The audience shouted that Cinderella was in the cupboard, the fairy godmother appeared to cast a spell and set her free, and she tried on the slipper, which fitted, much to Dandini's relief, as he was beginning to get rather tired.  "A boy can only take so much"

Copyright ©  Julian Clary.   Website designed & maintained by debby
Photo Copyright © 2001 DJ Web Images & Julian Clary.  © Text written by debby exclusively for julianclary.net

All rights reserved.  No part of this website shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, 
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.